5 essential resets for life
You usually reboot your computer because things aren’t working right. You turn off the power, and when it comes back up, you usually arrive at the same place you were when things went awry. But I want to talk about a reset, which is different. A reset takes you all the way back to factory settings. And we need to get back to the factory settings God placed in our lives, especially when it comes to relationships.
If the way you’re choosing to live as a follower of Christ is working for you, then continue to repeat it. Get it deeply ingrained into your life so that it becomes a habit every day. On the other hand, if you see things aren’t working well in your relationships, then you really need to hit that reset button.
So, let’s look at five areas in your relationships in which you may want to hit the reset button.
- Communication Reset
Proverbs 12:18 says, “Some people make cutting remarks, but the words of the wise bring healing” (NLT). Cutting remarks is a picture of someone taking a sword and thrusting it into your side.
Sometimes in a marriage, we thrust cutting words at each other. They can be sarcastic, critical, distant, moody, inconsistent or even lies, but they pierce like a sword thrust into the soul of our marriage relationship.
We say things sometimes that we don’t mean, or we mean things that we don’t say. Either way it creates a problem, a dynamic in the marriage that can be very problematic.
When we talk about living intentionally in Christ, communication is a key.
Proverbs 25:11 says, “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver” (KJV).
It is my hope as you think about a communication reset for your marriage relationship –or any relationship – that you would let the words of your mouth strengthen that relationship and rebuild that relationship.
2. Expectation Reset
The formula we use is whenever an expectation is greater than reality, it creates disappointment. We will always judge ourselves by what we call “our good intentions,” but we’re going to judge others – our spouse, our siblings, our coworkers – by the expectations we hold in the relationship.
When thinking about expectations, it’s very important to ask yourself, Are the expectations I hold realistic?
If you want a reset in your marriage, you can either change the expectations that you have for each other or you can change reality. Sometimes you need to do both. One or the other are the only two things in that formula you can change to move away from disappointment, discouragement and disillusionment in a relationship.
What did you expect when you got married?
The reality is not all of the things you expected happened. That creates the kind of disappointment that we often see in a marriage relationship. It’s like going to an amusement park. You think you’re going to be amused for eight hours or 10 hours, but the amusement only lasts a few minutes because you’re standing in line the rest of the day or overpaying for one of those $20 hamburgers at lunch time.
And so I jokingly say when we take the family to an amusement park, we have about 45 minutes of fun, and sometimes the expectations that we had going in aren’t fully met. And that’s ok for an amusement park. But when it happens in a marriage relationship, it can create a real problem.
If you’re a blended family, recognize it can be really difficult because spouses, children, in-laws – everyone – bring their own expectations into the new family dynamic. They bring in the expectations from their hurts, from their past, from what they hoped for when they experienced disappointments in the previous relationship.
ONE THING: With your spouse, and also as a family –
- Sit down together.
- Each one write out five expectations you have for the relationship. (You might be surprised when you see your spouse’s or family members’ expectations.)
- Exchange your lists.
- Give to and talk about each one to see if you can work to meet some of those realistic expectations.
If you make it your intention to meet some of the expectations of the ones you love, it’s going to make a difference.
3. Agreement Reset
Amos 3:3 asks if two people can walk together without agreeing on the direction that they’re going (author paraphrase). You may start together on the same point, but then if you start to drift – just one degree apart, the math shows at the end of one mile of walking one degree apart, you’re going to arrive 92 feet apart.
Maybe that one degree represents just a little different desire for how you’re going to handle finances. Maybe that one degree is just a slight variance in how you want to parent. Or maybe that one degree has to do with your impact on the relationship with your in-laws. At 60 miles, you’re going to be a whole mile apart, and after 600 miles, you’re going to be 10 miles apart.
Sometimes coming to an agreement can be difficult. It’s going to mean compromise. You may have to change your position, but agreement is vital. It might be time to hit the agreement reset button.
4. Forgiveness Reset
You are to “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32 ESV).
We’re never as vulnerable as when we choose to forgive.
When we choose to forgive, we become very open. We are wide open and vulnerable to be hurt again. Forgiveness doesn’t mean there are no consequences, or boundaries. But sometimes we carry unforgiveness and it’s so destructive.
Paul said we can be angry and not sin. He also encouraged us not to let the sun go down on our anger (Ephesians 4:26). We never bury emotions dead. They’re always alive. They have a tendency to come back at the most inconvenient times. Something is said later, and you don’t even know where that anger came from because something in the past that was unforgiven shows up in the relationship.
If you have some things you want to get out of your vocabulary … words like divorce, never, always, you’re just like your mother or your mother-in-law … write those words down and then put them through a paper shredder. Sometimes we need to have a daily shredding of things we just shouldn’t say.
“We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5 NIV).
5. Faith Reset
Paul told the Christians in Rome who were being persecuted, “When we get together, I want to encourage you in your faith, but I also want to be encouraged by your faith” (Romans 1:12 paraphrased). Church is so important because of the fellowship with other believers. We encourage one another. We’re together in community. When we get together on Intentional Living, we hear the stories of people and we’re encouraged. We see other believers going through things that we’re facing as well.
Maybe you’re reading this, and you don’t know Christ personally. The Bible says, God so love the world that He gave his only Son so that whosoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life (John 3:16).
If you’ve never made that decision to give your life to Christ, would you do it right now? It’s God’s intentional love for you. You can pray a prayer something like this:
Jesus, I am a sinner. I’m not perfect; no one is. I ask you to come into my life. I choose to make room for you to take over my life and fill me with your Spirit. Be my Savior and my Lord. I give my life to you today in Jesus’ name.
If you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God raised Jesus from the dead, the Bible says you are saved, and eternal life is yours (Romans 10:9-11).
That is the ultimate and most powerful faith reset you can ever have.
I hope you’ll apply these five resets, not just in your marriage, but in every area of your life.
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