A sense of security and predictability
Intentional living can really make a difference in your family relationships, and it starts with the four pillars from the power of one thing. We’re going to look at two of the four here, which are:
- Expectations.
- Communication.
The Power of Expectations
Philippians 3:13-14 leads us to the first of those four pillars, where the Apostle Paul said, “But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus” (NIV).
An expectation that’s not met always creates disappointment.
Expectations sometimes are realistic, and sometimes they’re not. We need to establish clear expectations with our family members. As a parent, if you don’t have clear expectations for yourself as well as for your children, then emotions are hijacked. Kids become angry because they’re not clear what the expectations are.
We all desire and need to know what is expected of us. Clear expectation helps everyone in relationship with one another.
What’s a realistic expectation? I believe it’s realistic to:
- Have manners.
- Show respect.
- Be faithful.
- And be honest with each other.
What’s not realistic are expectations to have a perfect child or for your child to measure up to unrealistic expectations you’ve set for them.
You may have grown up in that kind of home, especially if you were the first born. Perhaps you had unrealistic expectations established for you that caused you to feel like you never could measure up. And that can create all sorts of unrealistic thoughts about yourself, your identity and your own expectations for yourself.
As we talk about expectations in the family and how intentional living works, it’s important to see that expectations need to be:
- Clear.
- Agreed on between Mom and Dad.
- Communicated with the kids.
- Realistic.
- Enforced.
If an expectation is something important, then there should be the expectation that it is going to be completed. Maybe there’s an expectation to go to church every Sunday, but the kids don’t want to go. What do you do? You say, “Here’s the car; get in! Let’s go!
When we have clear expectations, and we follow through, we give the whole family a sense of security and predictability – two things that are desperately needed in this crazy world in which we’re living today.
Remember, expectations minus the reality of life are always going to create disappointment. If disappointment exists in your family, there’s probably a misunderstood, unrealistic or simply ignored expectation somewhere.
Clarifying expectations is a really important part of an intentional family.
The Power of Communication
Proverbs 25:11 says, “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold In settings of silver” (NKJV). And that word aptly simply means it’s the right word, at the right time in that situation
Often when a family member needs encouragement, we give them criticism. When they need instruction, maybe we just ignore it. And in the process, we’re not communicating the way God intends.
Dr. John Gottman is a legend in marriage research. He’s spent 50 years studying couples to reveal what makes relationships last or leads to divorce. He can predict with a certain element of certainty which couples are going to run into trouble and even end with divorce. He created a list of seven powerful things to consider when it comes to communication and marriage. And these principles also work in our family life.
These are helpful for us as we think about being intentional with our families.
- Nip the problem in the bud early.
When you do, there’s a less likely chance of having problems down the road. Both good and bad behavior tends to be progressive. The first step in developing a healthy style of communication in the family is if there’s a problem that you address it right away. Don’t wait, deal with it early.
2. Edit what you say.
Have you ever said things you wish you could take back? We all have. The best thing to do is think twice and speak once when we’re clear about what we need to say. And we say only that one thing, it’s healthier and better for the family relationship.
3. Start well.
Dr. Gotman finds that successful couples are careful how they start a conversation, and don’t allow negativity to escalate. We’ll have a healthier marriage and you know, there’s lots of things in our marriage, in our family and our marriage that we can do, that can escalate a problem.
Here are some good ways of beginning a conversation.
- Get permission. If you have an issue with a child and you need to talk to them, say, “I love you, and I have something I need to share with you. Is it okay if I share it with you?” You’re asking for permission, and 90% of the time kids are going to say “Sure!” Giving permission helps them to feel more in control and allows you to share with them something that is important that needs to be said.
- Point out the things that you really appreciate about them as you begin the conversation. Share the things that are going well, the things you want to reinforce that will remind them how special they are.
- Add the item into the conversation that needs to be addressed. “There is one thing I’m concerned about for us to be able to talk about it.” (Leave it open-ended for them to share back what they’re experiencing and how they feel about it. I’ll tell you it’s not easy. I know we can fire up with our emotions pretty quickly.
4. Accept influence.
Dr. Gottman found in his research that a marriage succeeds to the extent a husband can accept influence from his wife. And then I was thinking of Ephesians 5:21 that says we should be mutually submissive to one another.
It’s important to be open to the influence of our sons and daughters. We need to listen to them. Sometimes they have things they want to say or feelings they want to express.
I know it’s easy to say, “I’m the dad; I’m in charge. I said it and that’s the way it’s going to be.” But when we do that, sometimes we miss the opportunity as a family to really talk about things and even make better decisions.
5. Maintain high standards.
What are things that are not acceptable in your family? In our family, we don’t use profanity; we don’t tolerate God’s name being used in vain. We don’t lie to each other.
We make sure that we tolerate good behavior when it comes to how we’re going to say things and refuse to be critical of each other in ways that are hurtful and damaging. If we have clear standards that are high in a family, I think we can help a family elevate to another level.
The standards that we have should be clear, should be reinforced and we should be held accountable. Kids will see through it if the standards we set are not the ones that we keep ourselves.
6. Learn to repair and exit an argument.
Proverbs 18:19 says, “A brother wronged is more unyielding than a fortified city; disputes are like the barred gates of a citadel” (NIV). What a word picture.
When we become offensive in a conversation, we force the person we love to take a position on something. And once the position is taken, then that person feels the need to defend the position, even if it’s wrong or stupid.
So, how do we do repair or exit a disagreement? Maybe agree to disagree, maybe agree to come back and talk further a little bit later. As a Christian family we want to agree to pray and seek God’s wisdom.
Some of us are still carrying things, and we need to be a big enough person as a Mom or Dad to go to our kids when we’re wrong and say, “I was wrong. Will you forgive me?” That’s a powerful thing.
7. Focus on the bright side.
Dr. Gottman found that successful couples said at least five times more positive statements to each other than negative statements. Every time we say something negative, we have to say something positive five times to offset that negative statement.
His research went on to say the number one thing that destroys a marriage relationship is an undercurrent of criticism.
These seven things are powerful in building your family and making intentional living a part of your relationship.
Please enjoy this month’s bonus video “Letting Go of Control.”
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